I'm feeling sick now. Nausea to be precise. Black pepper chicken or I am just so falling sick? I keep having visions of uncooked raw black pepper chicken... I have no idea where I have seen this image b4 but its sickening me. I almost slept during German. No wait... i slept during a bit of german lolx and I concused during Sociology break. It wasn't as bad as History yesterday but you would seem to realise some sort of pattern everyday? I'm concusing quite regularly.
So after feeling feverish during Socio in which I din talk, or effectively just gave tired smiles, I rushed for the first A2 bus I saw, prayed I would get back soon as I needed the toilet also. I hobbled back while cursing the bus driver for not opening the front door and hence, increasing the walking distance. I followed along the sunlit corridors... down the stairs.. met Cheng Wei and we complained abt our Paper 3 Outline presentation due next Fri. Went up the lift.. Thank God my room is the first one, opened the door, changed. Rushed to the toliet and back. Promptly concused. From 6.30 pm to 11.30pm when my bf called me. =) heh. So now I am up.
I think my bf is just as tired. He is concusing properly tonight so he won't call me tmr. He is having dump-in(?) tomorrow and books out at an hour no one knows on Friday. I miss him. MArilyn says I'm mawkish wif my MSN display pics but still... haha. Its our 20 mth Anniversary to Feb 13 2006. =) Yes, we have 2 anniversaries haha one official and the other not.
And this is my sis' pic from her blog. She drew it. Isn't it cool?
Although it does speak on what lies heavily on her mind. She wrote a piece on love yesterday not quite unlike mine on 28 OCt 2003 http://dynam1cs.diaryland.com/031027_72.html . The funny thing abt it was how Russell was included in it when I din expect us to come together. Anyway, she mentioned both of us in her entry and I shall go on to talk about this elusive thing, the one they mentioned in whispered breaths, the one tt dwells on Joy and yet on poisoned wine, Love.
When we come to JC, esp us IJ girls, we realised there are a new species( Darwinian theory holds thru, hence I should have a biocentric view) called guys that will predate our world. These homostupians are part of the Darwinian view for the survival of the species. (Ok I know I am not making sense ) and awakes in girls a predatory instinct of bagging a guy. This can be viewed in the homostupians way or the homosuperiorians way but of course, I'm adopting a feministic view. (Tension is: why do we want guys if we are feministic?)
I realised after reading all my old diary entries full of Homework, I am qualified to talk about how crushes can really drive you up the world. The mental stage is exhausting. I actually peeked through the CCA Rooms thru the door and out of the window to look at homework play soccer? Marilyn was very surprised over this lolx. That i refused to look at homework directly to prevent humilitation but I looked thru the CCA rooms indirectly and was subject to more embarrassment for the rooms was in full view of the school? And I stood like a dumb idiot looking thru a small window. Heh. Kate Millett would not be proud of me. But like all dumb girls, =) I guess it was really a good learning experience.
And incidents like this for eg: ~Anyway earlier before all this happened.. char went to canteen.. then saw homework but thot he was Xu kai and went Xu kAING over to him and when he looked up, char was like..oopx. u r not xu kai.. ahah! And later when i was studying, I was like char he is there.. and Char was like u mean tts Homework? I called him Xu Kai! hahhaz..
Haha...not that Charlotte would read this but stil, it says alot. The joys and pain of love. When we dupe ourselves into thinking he likes me, reading so closely into every action he makes and how I tried to keep away from other guys like this...
~I was like moving away from Joel that he had to come closer to me.. homework was like looking for a teacher... and then I got cornered wif the green board at my back and Joel, Eugene and Wan Song standing in front of me.. and I was wishing SOMEBODY WOULD COME SAVE ME! And they were trying their best to do the choir but I kept eluding them.. and homework(my imagination?) kept like turning back to look at the corner of his eyes.. I was like so uncomfortable.. for no apparent reason but at least we managed to get the choir thing settled when we finally met seng hong in the canteen... whew.. FINALLY!
or this
~9/17/2003 9:37:18 PM I: i support 26
9/17/2003 9:37:20 PM I: :)
9/17/2003 9:37:24 PM Rus:!!!!!!!!!!
9/17/2003 9:37:27 PM Rus: r u sure?
9/17/2003 9:37:33 PM Rus: i shall cheat haha
9/17/2003 9:37:38 PM Rus: hw shall play muahahhaha
9/17/2003 9:38:19 PM I: hahaha i still support 26
9/17/2003 9:38:34 PM Rus: !!!!!!!
~Anyway.. my mum and dad looked at 15 and 05 class pics and were like..ok..and laughing at all the guys..oopx.. and my mum easily guessed homework and showed him to my dad.. and said doesn't he look like u when u were young.. my dad immediately said no.. hahah and my mum said Andrew Ching looked very intelligent(do no guffaw here Kelvin Chew).. my dad said let me tell u the most good-looking guy in 05..he scrutinised and then went on to 15 b4 laughing again.. oopx fellas! I don't think we can make it.. hahah and Alex guessed Russell as homework.. sheesh!
And my crush level falls
~The experience has been rather enriching but now every morning I wake up with the feeling I don't need a guy... even when I go to school, I try to treat homework like eye-candy.. I don't even say hi.. i sms but he doesn't reply at times.. esp when it is not needed.. and I don't really feel sad cos I don't need him to feed tt emotional hunger.. cos simply it is not there.. when u mature in a crush, u basically am fulfilled in everyway.. in my opinion that is.. and yes, I don't know if I should tell him, people say do.. but rmb Marilyn what u said? Only people who have not done it says to do whereas those who have done it tells u pls do not regret after committing this foolish things... Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish talking all about him but yeah.. he doesn't even clog up my mind in school..
~He is so smart and so... well..yes... oh people, i can never tell u the state of my heart.. u never saw the bleeding, yet I'm sure our hearts have all bled in unison before..u never saw the silent slicing of the heart, yet we have all borne the scars of the knife sharp points.. yes, Love.. this elusive thing.. This very thing that can cause Happiness and the Downfall of Mankind.. the game like gambling, with delirious process, semi-states of euphoria, mind-crunching times of decisions, crazed actions that defy reason and diverse consequences of both extremes... this thing... which some people build the very base of their foundations on...
http://dynam1cs.diaryland.com/031023_60.html
Heh... =) I was a little unstable then. Oh and after those paragraaphs I talked abt Russell again. Its is always about him in one way or another when it mattered.
~ and may my next crush be like Poetry as quoting Emily Dickinson
'If it makes my whole body so cold no fire can ever warm me I know that is poetry. If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry.'
Can the passion of poetry ever replace the passion of love? To me poetry is the pulse of Life but Love are the enormous kinks.. what a despondent view on Love... oh yeah when I said be like Poetry, he must be as invigorating as Poetry... Poetry should be able to liven up the reader, touching her in different ways, yet only certain people with their hearts open can experience the pulsating beat.. Poetry is special to each individual and no two can read poetry with the same feelings.. Poetry should renew and enhance, not break and scatter... Poetry should be able to show u and reinforce the joys of Life.. Poetry should then become the Passion of Love..
Hmz, to those who don't understand... Poetry is like Cupid...and thats why a Purple Passion Flower for Psyche.. and while people say wait for Mr Right..I say I'm waiting for Poetry..a personification of the total embodiment of the perfect guy for me.. For me now, Life is hopefully going on..tho my Love Life is void.. and yes.
The final pt... after which 10 days later, Russell confessed =)
I think the pt I am making for my sis is that I never prepared to like Russell becos I always thot he liked Claire. Sure, he was my soul-friend at one pt becos of our similarities but other than tt, he never featured in my life. I think I can say he is God-sent cos after all, I was so immersed in the thot of hw... tt when mum said I wan a catholic boy, I sort of said God if its your will, I will have a catholic guy... and promptly did not gif up hwk.
Being in a r/s isn't really all blissful and not all guys are matured to handle a girl. Of course, there are some who just want a girl for the sake of having one but as what Ying tat says
Give your best...until nothing is left...and then give a little bit more... says:
haiz..
Give your best...until nothing is left...and then give a little bit more... says:
pple just get v used to having a partner u noe
I think the concept of Love is rather overdone, overated. I don't now owe it is an excuse for sexual desire cos I think after reading Poetics of Love by Jeanette Winterson, I realised Lesbians have sex by masturbation(? i think) and hence, we can all masturbate ourselves to rid of sexual desire? Or is it different? So love would then be of another sort if u want to carry on..
quote: Alison and I had walked in the woods and made love among the bluebells. I had the perfect freedom of loving her and although we have never given up sex we never have found those woods again. unquote The Green Man
So I guess Love is something more but yet, u realised the tension tt Love does not seem everlasting. Eg: I don't want to keep pets cos I might get too attached and when they one day die before me... it might be too painful. Hence, if Love is not eternal...wouldn't u want to stay away to prevent the hurt of someone falling out of love with u? I think tt hurts alot. To know tt there is a better person out there. Expressed in this quote I take a very negative stance too: Even for the most beautiful woman in the world, you will find a guy who tires of her bed. Hey wait! it means SEX = LOVE? Hmz... well I guess thats not Love then. But honestly, the reason why divorce rates are high is becos u wan to find the perfect someone.
This is not a very good topic to write on my 20 mth Anniversary but yeah. I guess when u are in a r/s, u have to learn a lot. Both sides. There will bound to be conflict and the best way is to thrash them out. Like I hated it when he used to spend lots of time with Claire... but when he got me he played more soccer. We quarrelled over tt lots of times and had to reach a compromise. HEh... he still plays soccer and I still get mad but yupz, both sides have to give in. If you don't want to learn and expect ur other half to change for u, its very selfish. Also, you shouldn't put each other down. =( I used to put him down but he does not. It taught me an impt lesson of removing the log in my eye before attempting to remove the splinter in my neighbour's eye. He seems to good to be true... too good for me. I'm the lucky one here and I should learn to be a better gf but I dunno how to go about it. I don't want to keep receiving and receiving and not giving cos he won't accept. He does not expect much from me and I should do that too.
Even I, at this pt of my r/s, is lost. How can Love survive? When I want it to... last. (I got 32/40 for Econs! Argh not bad but still horrible! I took econs in JC leh) So I guess the point now is when you find him... are you ready?
If you have emotional baggage or go into a r/s wif high E(x)s I am really sorry man... Becos u are not suppose to change him or change urself for him. But If the R/S changes you... for better or for worst. You must decide. Like how my tongue isn't so sarcastic as I was in Sec. I guess I was mellowed by Love. =) I love you Russell.
I'm sorry for being a horrible girlfriend and not being understanding. I am sorry for being petty and putting you down. I know you really feel like I drive you up the wall but I am still learning and trying to match up to your perfect outlook. I can never be as good as you are, and I want to give up sometimes, but I always can never leave cos your love just makes me want to stay. I'm sorry. I am trying. =(
Our one year is coming soon! Woot... altho u would be in Brunei. Although...
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