dull aching pain

My heart is aching with a dull pain of apologies, longing and sadness.

Sometimes I wonder whether I did anything right for the past 3 years. How can I just let everything go? Am I just trying to see how far I can shoot myself in the foot feet? I need a break and something to get me out of this predicament. After all, it is not just the relationship that I'm breaking down but my life, my family and my friends.

I don't understand. Where did I go wrong exactly? That I so nicely mess up my perspective and hence, my relationships with everyone else. And the jolly best part that hits the really big nail on the head is I don't know I am doing it. I just know I am losing my temper easily with everyone especially my mum and Russell.

And after yesterday's biggest scrape, I seemed to have mellowed down considerably, like nothing can make me cry as much again. I have started to read Anne of Green Gables and feeling considerably happy... But most of all, I just miss Russell cos he is flying off to Turkey tomorrow. And its gonna be the longest period we are separated.... 26 days is a lot of days spend without each other. Also, he isn't bringing his handphone. I might follow suit except I don't think there is any main phone in Vietnam and hence we have to rely on our phones.

-Note to self: Pack charger-

And what have I done to ruin everything? Sometimes I seem to go into a self-destruct mode that literally tries very hard to self-destruct but ends up chickening out in the end, leaving so many broken shards of my heart in its wake.

I miss Russell. and am going to miss him for the next 26 days. So long. just much too long.