Again...

I feel kind of messed up now. One, I was only trying to protect myself while I committed the crime. Two, my boyfriend also could not say anything. Three, the entire dating/love process is warped... with so much expectations, obligations, 'The One'... whose method is right?

Now I'm feeling stupid and irritated with my sister who accused me of that and how Russell is so cool to handle it. Give me a break. Sometimes, we make choices out of survival, NOT CONFORMING TO NORMS... choices that make us combat the knowledge that life is not one nice fairytale. I'm also kind of screwed over how I view my relationship that I'm trying not to apply sociological meanings behind everything and it is already costing me a lot of energy, much less I need to defend my actions.

IF ANYONE DOES BELIEVE IN MUTUAL ATTRACTION, then was I wrong to have pursued it? Yes, I might have been eating two cakes but it is not like I was intent on hurting both parties. I really did like both of them... and was I playing? I mean there was like this possibility that I might have ended up with one of them so how was I supposed to know? Do I let social norms of r/s commitment constraint me from pursuing love? Who are you to judge? That is one question that I pose. Who are you to judge?

Yes, I agree with you that Russell was cool enough to not escalate the matter but he was also in the army, having his own problems. We were both adjusting to this new void created by the army... and trying to come up with new compromises or solutions in order to make sense of our own love lives. No one really understands what happened that supposedly spurred me on with Lance but I know that it was something. So it is unfair to say that I should not have done it.

Sometimes, the world is full of paradoxes. I regret hurting both of them and how I might apparently been very mean and I'm sorry. Again, it is my life thank you very much. I did not like purposely go around hitting on many many many many guys and like most of them over a gradual period were just infatuations and Russell understood unlike many guys who most probably won't. Only one of them was manifested and that was maybe how I started to like Russell? I kind of think from my now random conversations with Lance, he hasn't quite forgiven me... and sometimes it just sits on me uncomfortably, like how can I apologise when we never said anything?

Why I stayed with Russell? That is a tough question. Truly it is. I can't fully describe it but I guess I just had to make up my mind and I chose him. Sometimes I just want to laugh at the silliness of the situation and sometimes I just want to cry at the stupidity of it.

But it is all in the past. I think of Russell now and I miss him.