Russell: SOS

Am up early cos I should prepare for my German Oral but I can't concentrate. A lot of stuff have happened for the past week and I am positively [or negatively] swamped.

So I was awfully depressed. And its not cos of you! Its cos of my PMS and also having my lifemap shaken and repositioned. It is not easy I tell you and I have been going to my classes with a mind, thinking of other thoughts. Shadowy figures jostle me everyday while I think of -things-

I try hard to settle down to the normalcy of life but I kind of feel a little out of touched plus the fact that everything isn't what I saw through those rose-hued spects that were smashed gradually when I came to NUS... Russell says I should concentrate on my studies and don't worry.

I need him, ya'know. Surprisingly, I need him. I want quiet times to myself but I need him too. Funny. I want to stay in my PGP room and sleep forever. I'm beginning to sleep for a long time, hankering for these precious moments of noncommital reality. Yet, I wake up and realise I am not going to see him. For those days that we make plans... I still feel depressed when I see him that he asks me, 'Whats wrong, dear?' and I feel better. Even if the relief is temporal, it is better than anything.

Often, Russell is my catalyst out of reality. With him, I can do anything that the world frowned upon, once upon a time. I could learn to lan and game, I could play pool, I could do silly stuff, I need not always be responsible... But when he goes back into the night, I find that NUS and modules are very real things. An Army rejection is very real. USP is not of my imagination. I am a Girl.

and my heart breaks.

I should overcome this. -should- but when the day is over and night comes, what is holding me together? Am I so emotionally dependent on him? My opium? Well, I know what I should do. But I haven't got the strength for it. Feeling emasculated, dealt a lowblow, stressed, depressed and hopeless, I'm on my way to self-destruction.

Are you worth living for?