I am afraid.

I just feel like typing and typing and typing today.

I don't know why but I have an insane urge to try and express myself with nary a care for the world. I mean, is it wrong to write what I think?

But won't there be the consequences, the ones that lurk in the dark, those shadows that possess your mind? So much for what they say... so much for Free Will, Justice, Freedom...

Lies! Lies! Every mask I don on as I write this blog aligns itself most explicitly and fervently to what social implications might happen.

I feel dead. Lifeless. Like something in me just died. I feel a yawning sense of voidness and nothing can even try to substantiate this abyss of immeasurable sorrow I feel. I cry so readily behind the fallen veil, the veil so white, yet yellowed with age.

I am old. I am 20. It feels like I have never lived my childhood and I am thrusted into the world where there will be grinding of teeth at night. I haven't had my fun yet... and yet you can have fun once you get your degree. I wish someone would tell me the immense possibility of that?

I am old. My masks are getting worn. The sequins are losing their shimmer, the feathers their lustre. My masks are getting worn at the edges and I am only 20. Too young or too old? I don't want to grow up. I don't want to know that I have to join the society I loathe. I don't want to know that the world hates me more than I do it.

I don't want to know. I am old. I am tired. I am only 20.

I sit here in my room, boxes unpacked, mirroring my attitude towards life. Unpacked boxes justifies my need to dream and fantasize. A room of disorder represents what I am feeling about my life now. Clothes on the floor symbolizes my need to ransack my life. Empty chairs and tables are my friends whom I try not to tell. The empty wastepaper basket lies empty of dreams, hope and wishes.

I am sad. I shouldn't be. I have no right to be. Sadly.

And the night goes darker and the road more rockier.

And my heart becomes heavier with each step I take.

Don't be angry. The Night is cold. Keep me warm. Help me take each step. Help me not to be afraid.

I am afraid.