I mean...

I need to BLAST it out.

I am so upset, confused and hurt.

I just want to turn my whole room upside down. I want to throw out my life out of the window. I want to burn all my books. I want to burn all my goals, my dreams, my hopes and aspirations. I want to throw out my faith, my beliefs, my virtues, my goodness.

I want to destroy myself and everything related to me. I do not think that Life should give me solace for I am so good-for-nothing. I just suck suck suck suck suck.... I mean. What is wrong with me?

And I not perfect? Am I not talented? Am I not physically enabled? Then why? Is my biological makeup that flawed? Is my self-worth meant to be scattered in the breeze? Then tell me?

What the hell is wrong with me? What have I done wrong? Why am I left here hanging? Isn't the University of Singapore worth every inch of any overseas U? Then wth. Wth. Wth. Wth. What is the use of everything I do? I can't even do my U course. I can't do any of the modules. I will then be such a poser in the USP. Argh. I can't do anything right.

I am not right. So everything I do is wrong. Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong. So what is wrong with me?

Everything? That I have been living a facade this whole time, hurting myself, trying to pretend I am somebody else when I am not? That I am just covering up for all my failures? Can i say I regret not studying hard for J1...screwing it with liking Voldemort and Homework? I screwed it by taking subjects I hate... can I blame them now? If I had studied harder... I might not be in this shit. This shit shit shit shit shithole... So? Yes, u say come on Victoria... u can make it up now. Yeah sure. Considering my life is quite at the pits... hmz. Haha why are you crying Victoria?

Look out of your window? Look down and see... a metal railing that can break your bones... red tiled floor that can soak up your blood. Is your life worth that?

Yeah. It is worth that.

But what about your room? Lock it then. And yeah... should I wear my nice clothes? Or maybe I shouldn't ruin it... I should ruin something else. Maybe the thing that started all this and that I betrayed.. U think that might have been the case? Haha... my YFC shirt. Die in my battle glory. Pity I haven't any purple hearts... and there ain't any purple lights. Everything would be so perfect....

Haha... where can I run to? Death's open arms... Do you think Death would even want me? =) I am not that bad even for Death right? I hope it is okay then... I am tired. I want to sleep.

Tell Russell for me.